Tuesday, October 23, 2012

a glimpse into ED

Sometimes it's subtle. Other times I feel I need earmuffs & a volume button to drown out the noise and chatter. Eat this. Don't eat this. Gross. Change outfits.  Thighs are too big. Ok you look thin; today's a good day.  You can eat that for dinner if you're "good" all day. Ugh you look like CRAP!

Are you exhausted yet? I know I am. Thank goodness the chatter has decreased over time. That's not to say I don't hear it most days. Its part of my eating disorder. It's something that unfortunately was ingrained in me.  Was...notice the past tense.  It's something that ,through years of therapy and nutrition counseling, I have learned will always creep in. It is now a matter of learning how to manage it and navigate my way around and through it.

My name is Nicole and I'm a 30 year old woman (still sounds funny to refer to myself as a woman!) I am in recovery from bulimia and anorexia. After suffering through the noise, the endless obsession with my weight and body I asked for help. I was hospitalized and treated for my eating disorder; I learned that my hatred for my body and my obsession to lose weight had taken over my being.  I was ALL IN and I was miserable.

I bought into the ED mindset; "things will be better when..."  When I lose 5 lbs. When my clothes are looser. When my bones are more prominent . When when when!    It was my new inner dialogue and I had a constant headache.

It was torture but I recognized I was sick. My mind and my body were sick.  It was all about control.  I had very poor body image, even at my thinnest. I was never ever satisfied.

It's funny I'll look back at a picture every once in a while and ask "why can't I look like THAT?" until Ill quickly be reminded that when I looked like THAT I wasn't happy with how I looked either. You see, eating disorders have very little to do with weight after all.

I know I am not in the clear and I know I am not perfect but my days of punishing myself are over. I am no longer "sick" but healing.  I am me and I am ok.

When I am reminded that 70 million people world wide are struggling with eating disorders, I am pulled to make a change. And change we will.. one blog at a time...


  1. Nic, I am so proud of you for starting this blog! It takes an incredible amount of strength to open up to the public about an often very private struggle. I am honored to call you a friend. I am sure your blog will be of comfort and inspiration to many. You have helped me through some of my darkest moments and helped me realize that I will be OK. XOXO

  2. I've read it so far about 10x. I simply adore you, Nicole. I am so proud of you and so honored to call you my friend!! I can't wait to change the world with you! God definitely placed us in each other's lives for a reason and I am anxious for all that is to come. Love ya!! xoxo

    1. Xoxo! Right back at you Chica!!!! You are FABULOUS

  3. I'm so proud of you for choosing to get help. Thank you so much for opening your life like this. You will reach others with the eating disorders, and hopefully, they, too, will seek help. Again, thanks for posting this, and good luck!