Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Obsession. It gives me something to do when I'm are trying to occupy the space in my mind. With obsession, you always have something to do. I find that the more I obsess about my body, what I plan to eat, my workout-if it was enough-what my next meal will be, the less time i have to focus on what is truly important. But of course the more I obsess, the more the body/food really does become "the problem" at that point in time. You see, while I obsess about my body it feels real. It feels as if that really is what's causing me distress, anxiety, fear. I don't want to be told otherwise. How dare you tell me my body image is distorted? How dare you challenge me? I DID eat a lot! I do need to lose weight! You just CANT SEE IT!
But all that noise is simply the top layer. Underneath all that madness in my mind are emotions and feelings I'm trying to mask, deny, run away from...Things that may feel uncomfortable or painful.
Losing my mother at age 22 was too painful. I was able to numb myself out from the heartache and retreat to the madness in my brain instead, spending hours calculating and counting, planning my workouts and meals. I'll take that over the reality that the woman who meant the world to me, the woman who taught me to love myself, the woman who always helped me to laugh and live, the woman who protected me and mothered me, was now gone.
Obsession for me allowed me to ruminate in my head rather than cry in my heart. And while I still am filled with immense guilt over not being present with my pain, not allowing myself to experience it in a healthy way, I forgive myself. I realize that it served its purpose. I needed protection at that time. I needed to feel safe. I needed to experience distraction. It served its purpose.
But that was then. This is now. I am no longer that girl. I have grown both by teaching myself and my outside influences:family, friends, trained professionals, life experiences. I know that losing weight can seem so damn enticing; the pull is strong. "Don't you want to feel lighter? Think about how good you'll feel when your pants are too big again!" (Please don't get me wrong, this is far different than those struggling with obesity. That is a fight for health. I'm all for that. This here, is the opposite of health.)
It's what we call "learned helplessness." It's different than denial because we know we are doing it yet we succumb to the whole, " I want to stop but this is just how it's always been." yeah, so?? I refuse to resign myself to a lifetime battle simply because I have felt helpless in changing. Is it easy? No. It's uncomfortable. I've been experiencing that for some time as I directly challenge this belief that "this" is something I can't change. Yes, I'll always have this history and some days will be harder than others. But that doesn't mean ALL days will be hard or that I'm not in a healthy place w food and my body now or that I can't keep this up. My mental health is just as, if not more, important than my physical health. It's time for me to take a stand against this learned helplessness and accept that my past does not dictate my future.
Every time I utilize my eating disorder, I am running away from myself. I am running away from the part of me that says I am not good enough. I am running away from the girl who just wants to live. I am running straight into the arms of that which only continues to hold me back.
I no longer want to run. Instead, I want to be. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be peaceful. I want to be excited about life. I just want to be me...the real me. After all, I am a human "being" , not a human "doing.".