Saturday, October 27, 2012

False security

"No amount of security is worth the suffering of a life chained to a routine that has killed your dreams."

I saw this quote last night and I was taken aback with how much I could relate to it. Security is something we seek because it holds such a positive connotation. We seek secure friends, secure relationships, secure jobs, financial security, a secure sense of self..the list goes on & on. But it seems, for me at least, that I become secure in things/habits that don't really help me to achieve what it is I want & need.  I find security in my ritualistic eating. I experience this "fear" if I stray away from eating the same breakfast and lunch every day. I want to change it up and I "know" it's good for my body to mix it up but when my eating disorder creeps in, I allow it to persuade me into believing that I NEED to have the same thing every day.  

For those that don't suffer from eating disorders or the aftermath of one, it may sound silly or actually ok to have predictable meals to remain healthy and on track, but I ask, what does healthy mean? Can it be healthy for me to find security in eating the same thing every day because I'm scared I'll gain weight if I don't ? Can it be healthy for me to freak out if I can't have a side salad with every single meal? Can it really be a helpful sense of security if my workouts are what dictate whether my day is deemed good or bad?  When I'm getting caught up in ED, my security comes from the control, the same-ness and predictability. It may sound painless but it holds me back. It holds me back from experiencing life. It holds me back from enjoying my favorite foods.  Don't get me wrong, I have them but I don't always "enjoy" them. There's quite a difference.  It holds me back from just waking up and being spontaneous. And as I write this it breaks my heart. I have come so far in my recovery but I still have a way to go to find true peace with my body   But don't we all? Don't we all need to come face to face with that "security" that holds us back? There is more to life for me than what I eat and when I eat it and how much I work out and if I did enough. I AM ENOUGH.  And you are let's go..there are dreams out there waiting to be chased..

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